Dell’esame di avvocato e di altre forme di waterboarding

Assieme allo smog di Milano e alla mia solitudine, il problema più grave del Paese sono i vecchi. Non i vecchi vecchi tipo i nonni, intendo i mezzivecchi, tipo 70 anni. Quelli che sono al potere. Tanti la chiamano questione generazionale e propongono soluzioni accomodanti. Io lo chiamo disagio.

I vecchi sono un danno. Nel mio lavoro, i vecchi hanno inventato una cosa che si chiama “esame di avvocato”. Consiste nel deportare decine di migliaia di giovani all’anno in capannoni troppo freddi o troppo caldi, inondarli con senso d’impotenza e fargli scrivere tre documenti in condizioni che nella vita reale non esistono (senza il computer e senza internet, per esempio; o con donne incinta che piangono e recitano rosari; o con degli sbirri che non ti lasciano andare a pisciare).

Poi i vecchi rideportano i giovani da dove sono venuti e, sorseggiando Vermut, decidono se i documenti scritti dai giovani vanno bene o no. Dopo 7, 8, 9 mesi i vecchi comunicano ai giovani il loro giudizio spesso influenzato dal Vermut e decidono se i giovani devono ripetere la deportazione o se possono cominciare a diventare vecchi. Si inizia a diventare vecchi perdendo un’estate a studiare materie come diritto ecclesiastico e sostenendo un esame orale svolto in condizioni che nella vita reale non esistono: tutto si svolge in un’aula di tribunale e la sentenza arriva subito.

La totale assenza di bellezza, prima che di giustizia, di questo processo causa nei giovani una grave depressione, li peggiora. Dopo la deportazione e il superamento dell’orale, molti nonpiùgiovani  iniziano a sostenerne l’opportunità.

Soffocati nelle loro regimental, i nonpiùgiovani iniziano a sostenere che la deportazione sia giusta perché (i) siamo già in troppi, non c’è lavoro;  (ii) la difesa è un valore costituzionale, gli avvocati non sono commercianti.

Nonpiùgiovani che avete superato l’esame: (i) siamo già così tanti che rimarremo troppi per i prossimi 80 anni anche se da domani non diventasse avvocato più nessuno; (ii) la difesa è un valore costituzionale e noi siamo in un mercato, che è un valore costituzionale (e poi basta con ‘sta costituzione, davvero).

Nonpiùgiovani, almeno voi, ricordate i tempi della bellezza. Ricordate i tempi in cui tutto era semplicità e emozione. Aboliamo l’ordine degli avvocati. Aboliamo tutte le corporazioni. Aboliamo l’esame di avvocato, di giornalista, di architetto, di igienista dentale. Aboliamo le regimental, e facciamo decidere al mercato (soolo al mercaato) chi può fare questo lavoro e chi no.

Se non ci sono abbastanza divorzi, cambieremo lavoro. Avremo meno avvocati e più tempo per fare l’amore. Questo causerà più divorzi e rendera il mondo un posto migliore. Equilibrio karmico, dolcezza liquida. Riprendiamoci le estati e i dicembri. Se non ora, quando?

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14 Responses to “Dell’esame di avvocato e di altre forme di waterboarding”

  1. concordopienamente

    Vorrei pubblicare lo stesso post sostituendo alla parola “avvocato” la parola “architetto” (e probabilmente molte altre…). Accade tutto allo stesso modo fatta eccezione per i vecchi giudicanti che, forse è ancora peggio, non sono poi tanto vecchi, anzi. Sono nati vecchissimi prima ancora di poter sapere cosa la Bellezza fosse. Ammesso che l’abbiano mai sentita nominare. In un mestiere che dovrebbe fare della bellezza la sua prima consigliera, l’ignoranza della stessa può costituire un problema. Mentre passare più tempo a fare l’amore potrebbe essere una soluzione.

  2. Alberto

    Ora aggiungo “architetti”.

  3. Margs

    Ero deportata ieri e oggi e lo sarò domani. Confermo ogni parola e ogni sensazione.
    Perciò, grazie.

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